It’s 6 in the morning and I’m holding my little six week old baby in my arms, rocking him asleep. His little head keeps dropping and his eye lids gently close… then open… then close. He is knackered and has just gorged himself on milk but is still fighting the sleep.
I sing softly to him, a song that I used to sing while pregnant. Hey little life, this is your mama calling….. And then I begin to do spirals with my hips, just like I did during his birth. I can hear his breathing settle and he lets out a sigh of contentment.
All is well in this tiny being’s world. His little hand gently holds onto my shoulder. The shouts and tears are a distant memory. The red faced ‘booby monster’ who was pounding at my breast with clenched fists twenty minutes ago is now sated for awhile at least.
I know enough now after these six short weeks to not stop with the movements or songs too quick which means I have a chance to enjoy what is becoming a favourite time of the day for me. I wander around my truck, slowly spiralling my hips in the figure of eight.
And I allow my mind to drift back to when my little boy made his entry into the world in this very space.
I take pleasure in standing in the spots where I moaned and groaned and shouted as he made his journey down.
I reach a hand out to touch the sink.
This time six weeks ago, I was bent over this sink. My man and Aislinn taking turns to stand behind me and hold my hips. God, I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep. Vanessa had to remind me to keep going.
I stand by our door and sense our lovely flower garden beyond.
We spent hours in there. I had steady contractions the whole time and in between each one I drifted off and dreamed a little. I pictured myself jumping into crashing waves or lying down in the river and allowing the water rush over me. It helped so much.
I tiptoe into the bedroom and stand by the window.
This time six weeks ago, I squatted holding onto this window frame, crying out and secretly hoping the whole world could hear me. My man held on to me tightly as I roared. Oh I love him so much!
I trace the floor with my feet and stand by the bed.
This time six weeks ago, I insisted I was going for a nap. I think everyone thought I was mad but I so needed to lie down. I was up and down with each contraction for awhile but eventually they slowed and I got some much needed sleep. I know this is why the next part of the journey was so smooth.
Then I wander out of the bedroom and stand right in the spot where my beautiful little boy made the final stages of his journey. I hold him tightly now, still snaking my hips to a rhythm and whisper softly to him.
This time six weeks ago my waters rushed out and soaked our sheepskin rug! oops! And then it was three short hours before you arrived. I remember Vanessa asking me if I had any questions and I said in a small voice “I don’t know what to do”. I was so spun out because the waves were getting fiercer and stronger and there was no turning back now. You’d made up your mind and you were on your way. The urge to push was completely overwhelming and I held tightly onto your daddy’s hands as I followed this new, faster beat of our bodies. As your little head guided the rest of your body down my birth canal, I was sure it was just a poo coming!! But Vanessa assured me this was it, this was you. I secretly didn’t believe her and started to make plans to go back to bed very, very soon. I was very tired. But somehow this tremendous strength took over and I alternated between pushing and breathing through each contraction. I made sounds I didn’t know were possible – low, guttural hums and witchy snarls. Your dad moved to sit behind me, ready to welcome you and I used up all of my courage and energy to open up to let you through. Your head appeared. I will never forget that feeling, it was the first time I swore throughout the whole labour. As you took your first breath, this gunk sprayed everywhere from you nose! I remember being scared at this point as I thought I still had a long way to go before I could see you. I felt a bit upset that your Daddy and Vanessa could already see your face. Aislinn, the angel held my hands tightly and whispered to me “make this next moan nice and low for me, you’re doing so well.” So I kept going, I kept pushing and breathing and following how you wanted me to move and within minutes, whoosh! You entered this world into Daddy’s waiting hands! I’m told one second you were still in your amniotic cocoon and the next, splash! You were out, yelping with your hands and legs jiggling all over the place.
I stand in that very spot now where I first held him in my arms.
Tears roll down my face and I hold him so, so close to my body.
Our hearts beat together once more.
I relive those precious moments as I do most nights.
The rainbow coloured emotions.
The sound of the birds twittering in the olive tree by the window.
The soft light of the sun rising over the mountains that slowly began to fill our truck with a golden hue.
My dogs watching us all carefully from under our bed.
The awe in everyone’s eyes as we gazed at this tiny human being that had been inside me all along.
The wisdom in his huge, bottomless eyes as he stared at us, taking it all in.
His tiny hands that gripped my thumbs.
The amazing, sticky black poo he covered me in… twice!
The feeling of his body pressed up against mine.
The LOVE that permeated from his body. And still does.
Wow we really did it together, my sweet. What a way to begin this life.
I quietly sneak back to bed. My dogs are snoring. My husband’s breath is steady. My boy lies on my chest, his breath matching mine.
I smile a huge grin at the sheer wonder of it all and promptly fall into a deep sleep.