Ok Baby is in ecstatic breast milk induced bliss so I have a moment to feel into more words that tell the story of his birth. And I really do want to share the story because I want you to know not to be afraid of birth. Yes, it stretched me – mind, heart, womb, cunt – beyond belief and I definitely faltered, hit huge resistance and lost my courage at times but I always found it again. I did feel a lot of what could be labelled as ‘pain’ but to be honest, the whole experience was also quite FUN. It was a bit like tripping on acid and having three people I loved and trusted supporting me. I guess I liked being the star of the show. AND the best thing is getting a big baby shaped present at the end!
Me and my man sat up in bed the next day with our little boy and talked through the whole experience and couldn’t find one thing that we truly regretted or wished hadn’t happened. It was perfect and it was the birth that our boy wanted. From the beginning of the pregnancy, by choosing not to have any scans or to even use a doppler heart beat monitor we gave him space to communicate with me. I would rub my belly and say ‘Baby, are you ok my love?’ and he’d give a little kick. It was lovely. I always got a response. And now it works too, when I do that thing that I’m sure all parents do and worry if he is still breathing. I just say ‘Baby, are you ok?’ and he gives a little sigh or squeak.
We also decided not to time contractions or have my cervix checked because we didn’t want the experience to become about minutes or inches. Essentially, we chose to trust the innate wisdom of his body and mine. And it was a conscious choice, that’s why it worked I think.
So the birth was led by our baby and all I had to do was tune into how he needed me to move or breathe or push or what sounds to make.
And all my husband, midwife and doula had to do was support me.
And, fuck they did such a good job!
(If you’re pregnant, up for an adventure and wondering where to birth your baby – come do it with Vanessa and Aishlinn. They are wonderful. My husband probably wouldn’t be up for it but you’d be in good hands with the two of them! I’d bring you tea and give you a lovely herbal foot bath the next day).
So yes, they supported me. They held me through every single wave. They took turns to lock their eyes to mine, hold my shaking hands, rub my aching back and hips, move with me and feed me coconut water through a straw.
The waves started slowly and gently.
One on Monday and Tuesday night.
Two on Wednesday morning.
More on Thursday morning which felt like things were really starting.
We called Vanessa and Aishlinn who came round. We were all very excited.
Thursday evening they slowed down again so we went to bed and watched some crap film about a couple having a baby (as you do). We hit pause with each contraction and held hands.
At this stage I can honestly say they felt quite delicious. I breathed deeply and spread my awareness all around my body – from my finger tips to my toes till my whole body was vibrating.
Slept 8 hours.
Had a shower on Friday morning.
Ate loads of fruit.
And relaxed in our garden in the sun with my dogs.
That night at 10pm the contractions came harder and faster.
It was a lot more intense. Time speeded up.
Fuck! This is really happening!
I faltered. Lost my courage and became overwhelmed.
I began to realise how damn physical this whole experience was going to be.
My mind took over for a while.
And I wished I’d read more books.
Or done more yoga.
Drink more fucking raspberry leaf tea.
Stretched my thigh muscles more.
Done more pelvic floor exercises.
And on and on – my frustration growing with each contraction.
I was back in my body again with my son calling to me to bring him home.
To dance with him.
To swim the waves with him.
I rememberd how powerful my body is.
And how strong I am.
I began to use visualisations during each contraction to help me.
Sometimes I imagined jumping into huge, crashing waves on a sandy cove.
Other times I pictured lying down in our local river and allowing the water to flow over me.
I called in my female ancestors.
And all my beautiful female friends – murmuring their names under my breath.
I pretended my mother was whispering gently in my ear in her soft, familiar voice.
You can do it chicky, I’m so proud of you.
I howled and panted and hissed.
I ooohed and ahed and roared.
I rooted down to Momma Earth.
And allowed my spirit to soar the heavens calling my child to me.
Come little one, we’re ready. It’s time.
Pillows and positions became very important.
On all fours with pillows under knees.
Leaning over sink moving my hips in spirals with someone rubbling my back.
Hanging from the window frame while squatting.
Kneeling and swaying from side to side.
And so the night went on. My husband went for a nap. And I leaned back on Vanessa’s legs so I could rest between the waves. My doula sat at my feet. And as each surge took over my body, we all sat up and breathed together. Sometimes at the end, we would do a witchy snarl which made us all giggle. Then there would be a lull and we would rest, even falling asleep at times with little snores. We found a different realm where the rhythm of my body ruled. I knew in those hours that it was all very special and we were all benefiting from the deep peace and power of this timeless space,
As the sun rose on Friday morning, my man was back at my side. Cuddling me and loving me. It would still be another 24 hours before our son was born. And then yet 33 more hours till the birth officially ended in a Spanish hospital because my body didn’t willingly let go of my placenta. The hospital then weren’t willing to let go of my placenta either so I had to steal it from the wastepaper bin they dumped it in. So there’s a lot more of the story to be told.
But right now, I have no more juice to write and I don’t want to rush it, Also Baby is stirring and doing that cute open mouth thing which means he wants more booby so I have to end this on a shitty ‘to be continued’. Sorry! I’ll be back soon with more words xxxxx