Last week was a landmark moment for me. I was introduced to a woman who said she knew me in my “previous incarnation” as Lady Cunt Love. We were friends on Facebook and as it is with most people I know through Facebook, we’ve never met but I felt instantly close to her. I went back to the truck smiling happily to myself and eager to tell my husband what she said. “Previous incarnation” – yay! I’d done it! I really had managed to step out of the obsessive bubble I’d been in for the last five years and was now just me again. The ‘obsessive bubble’ being my total immersion into all things CUNT.
Someone else asked me the other day what it is like to be obsessed with something and I replied with four words handily beginning with ‘e’ – exhausting, exhilarating, exciting and ecstatic. I had a huge amount of healing to do and I approached it with gusto. I allowed it to totally consume me because I knew that some day I would get through to the other side feeling more complete somehow. I know this can be the same for many women who discover explosive, mind altering topics like radical feminism, ancient cunt worship, menstrual activism, abortion rights, the Queer theory or gender binary. It’s like someone has switched on a light and the whole world looks different. I bet if someone were to have a brain scan before and after this awakening, we would be able to see new neuro-pathways being formed to allow this information to seep in. So yes, the majority of the time in my heightened aware state were very fulfilling.
I worked hard at running events, crafting cunts, performing very revealing personal poetry, connecting with like minded people around the world, assisting wise teachers and generally flouncing around talking about everything I was learning. I began to get a real sense of joy from seeing the penny drop for other women around me too.
I guess this outward, external ‘work’ was what Lady Cunt Love did but there was another side of it too that I didn’t share so much. The hours and money spent in many forms of therapy. The crying at night. The dead, empty feeling at the hopelessness of it all. The nerves. The self loathing. The fear of being laughed at. The way it all effected my relationships. Although it deepened my relationship with my wonderful mother, it distanced me from family events where it just wasn’t appropriate to talk openly about what I ‘did’. I literally lost a whole set of friends because I was too busy or they couldn’t keep up with how rapidly I was changing. And most of all, my husband and dogs definitely suffered from neglect. I was so fucking busy all the time and mainly ate on buses or planes or taxis. A dear friend said to me at the time, either you will choose to stop or your body will force you. And I guess, that is just what happened when my sacrum twisted out of place last year (as I wrote in my previous post).
So now as I sit here and prepare to birth the precious little baby that is wriggling in my womb, I am writing this post directly for those of you who are in this amazing, life changing whirl of the beautiful dance that is a woman awakening to the power within herself and because of this, re-establishing how she fits into the world around her. Feel the joy and freedom in every moment. Take it all in. Allow your heart to be blown open. Share the hidden pieces of yourself. BUT also please, look after yourself. Go slowly. If you are going to visit the dark places inside your psyche, make sure you have enough support around you for when you need some light. Eat good food at a table. And make time to nurture the relationships with the people you love. Take the time to appreciate the ebbs and flows of the moon, tides and seasons. This is what will keep you safe and your feet on the ground. It’s easy to fly away, believe me I know.
And as for me? It’s time to embrace a whole new level of CUNT LOVE! Tomorrow I enter into the 9th moon of my pregnancy and I am allowing everything to fall away so I can take the time to connect with the simple beauty of the trees and flowers and birds. The earth is waking up after a long winter and I want to breathe in every blossom, every little green shoot and every new life. It is time for me to really dig deep into my connection with the universe so I can find the strength to bring this baby earth side. Which quite simply means I just have to surrender and trust my body and my baby. They know what to do instinctively. It’s my mind that will try to hook all sorts of stories onto the experience. So I’ve decided to choose love over fear. Oxytocin over adrenaline. Pleasure over pain. And I promise you, when I’m on the flip side, I’ll come back here and share it all with you as my little one suckles from my boob!
So over this next moon, if you think of me and my little one sometimes, please send us love!
As a little gift and to celebrate International Women’s Day tomorrow I am offering my online Cunt Loving Quest for only £13 until midnight tomorrow night. Just click here and sign up using the coupon ‘I choose love’ to join over 100 other women on a quest that will bring you deep inside your heart and cunt and equip you with the self knowledge to keep your feet on the ground. There are video cunt classes with me, interviews with cutting edge teachers, cunty love visualisation meditations and a 32 page ebook.
The Cunt Loving Emporium will stay open over the coming months and all sales will be dealt with as normal by my lovely husband in-between him cuddling the baby and helping me to hand wash millions of nappies, of course!
Big squeezes and love,
PS Click here to find out more about my midwife, Vanessa Brooks from Da a Luz grassroots holistic birthing centre here in beautiful southern Spain.